Aw crap, I've got poop on my hand

Quick hits from five days of being a dad:

I was sitting in Jason's Deli the other night, waiting for a to go order. I had poop on my thumb. Six days earlier, I would've been disgusted. This time? I smiled.

I smelled like babies the other day at work.

There was something pretty great about that celebratory cigar.

My favorite picture taken so far is the one of Julia and Maxson, the first time she held him after he was weighed and swaddled. I'll definitely admit that at first glance, it's not the most flattering picture of my wife. But the more I look at it, the more I can't help but notice the look in her eyes. She's seeing her son for the first time. That, and she's totally looped out on drugs.

The nurse tech that was screaming for Julia to "GET MAD! GET ANGRY!" has obviously done this before. I think that was way more useful than my, "You can do it honey!" approach.

Babies apparently follow similar physical laws as buttered toast Alanis Morisette's "Ironic." Little man wasn't making us change his diapers as often as we thought, so we took him to the pediatrician. In the waiting room, he decided to show us that we're a bunch of worrying idiots by peeing then and there.

As a corollary to that, it's entirely true that all new parents find an appreciation for counting the number of dirty diapers. And then talking about it with each other.

As another corollary, I now worry. A lot.

I'll level with you. He doesn't do much. He sits, looks around, does his business, sleeps, and cries. But I've never been so entertained by someone that doesn't do much. I could watch him for hours.

This morning, I spent almost two hours staring at him. Instead of sleeping. What the hell is wrong with me?

Little Man Dreams

Now, if only I could get someone to change my disposable underwear, we'd be an exact match.

Video!

Don't mock the cinematography. He's cute!

Light at the End of the Spaceship?

Okay another update! Complete with Erik-friendly mad-libs so that he does not get queasy while reading this...

Doctor's appointment today. Wait... that means it's been a week since the last appointment, which means the baby did not come in 72 hours?! But...but.... Yeah, I know it has not been fun for me either!

So what's the word?

Baby First:

* His heart is still beating! He's still kicking. These are all good things :)

Mama Second:

* My rainbow is 3 centimeters unicorned.
* The baby is putting a great deal of pressure on my rainbow and that has caused quite a bit of juggling. The stork was amazed that my pot of gold hasn't been stolen. It also made her wonder if it was going to happen on it's own.
* The circus won't let my stork schedule me to luge unless medically necessary or 1-2 weeks past my due date. (LAME, right?) So the stork came up with a plan to cheat the circus! (insert evil laughter and maniacal finger tapping).
* On Tuesday, September 7th at 5:00a.m. I am instructed to go to the circus and tell them that I cannot feel the baby moving, and that my kittens are intense and getting closer together. Yes, my stork is having me lie. Not just lie, but act...and do it well! She has a colleague who will be on call and that colleague will tell them to keep me and ultimately luge. From there they will steal my pot of gold and give me some candy.
* Don't get me wrong, my stork is a good person. While she does not typically lie to the circus, she understands that it has been 8 weeks since I started to unicorn and she does not want me to continue to be so uncomfortable. If she did not have a procedure on Friday, she was going to have me come in before the labor day weekend. Damn!
* Yes, it is still possible for me to begin my mysterious journey before then. Hell, it could be any minute now - but she believes that if it doesn't happen by then, it may not happen without a little help.

SO - Assuming I do not have a baby this week/weekend -- little man will be joining us on Tuesday! It's nice to have a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still going to be walking and hoping for something sooner - but at least we KNOW! I got your hopes up last week - but this time, I mean it. This is not a prediction - it is a guarantee! Yay!!!


THE LEGEND:
Stork = doctor
Rainbow = cervix
Unicorned = dilated
luge = induce
mysterious journey = labor
circus = hospital
kittens = contractions
juggling = effacement (thinning)
lemonade = amniotic fluid/placenta
pot of gold is stolen = water breaks
candy = drugs/pitocin

Mad Libs!

Hey Family/Village --

I would blog, but this is just easier. We have yet another update :)

Again - there is a legend below. This one may be a bit more complicated....

So after going for a walk last night, I started having some pretty intense kittens. They were about 7 minutes apart, lasting 30-60 seconds. We almost went to the circus, but it was late and we waited for them to get closer together. Alas, they went away. :( The following morning the kittens were replaced with shooting pain. There is no euphemism for that one. It's not graphic. So I called the stork and she told me to come in today and get checked out.

First things first: Baby gets a physical! I had an ultrasound or biophysical exam to look at his movement. Out of 8 he scored....an 8! Kick-ass little kid. This looks at movement of limbs, head, lungs, heart, and lemonade (not, that's not urine. Check out the legend). He is a rock star.

* They are guessing his weight at about 7lbs, 2oz (give or take half a pound).
* His head measured at about 37-38 weeks (which is AWESOME, because I'm 38 weeks, and this means his head may be NORMAL!)
* His not-so-enormous cranium was VERY low. Which most likely explains the shooting pain...

Second things second: Mama gets a physical!

* The stork told me that my rainbow is now 2-3 centimeters unicorned. So I was 1 centimeter for about 4 weeks, and in less than a week I jumped nearly 2 centimeters.
* She also said that my rainbow was juggling and making excellent progress. It continues to be awkward when a stork compliments your rainbow or its juggling.
* Her prediction: She believes I will go into mysterious journey within 72 hours. Of course, she cannot guarantee that. But based on the changes I've made, that would be her guess. She also said that she would be shocked if I made it a week. But crazier things have happened.
* I was told to go straight to the circus if the kittens come back or my pot of gold is stolen.

So, Aunts and Uncles, Nanas and Popis, Mops and Pops, creepy guys that will throw things at my baby (Omar....), oh yeah and father of my future child....there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Pun intended. Let's hope this stork of mine is good at predictions, because she has gotten my hopes up!

Love you all!
Jules





THE LEGEND:
Stork = doctor
Rainbow = cervix
Unicorned = dilated
mysterious journey = labor
circus = hospital
kittens = contractions
juggling = thinning (effaced)
lemonade = amniotic fluid/placenta
pot of gold is stolen = water breaks

Erik-Friendly Update

Hey family and friends! I have an Erik-friendly update available :) If you cannot figure out what I'm saying, well, there is a legend at the bottom...

Stork appointment today!
1) Luckily, my rainbow is still only 1 centimeter unicorned.
2) Little man is still active and thriving :) And I'm measuring at 36 weeks still.
3) I go off bed rest next week! Yay!
4) The stork is most likely going to keep me on the candy an extra week since I seem to be responding well and she really wants me to make it to 37 weeks. That may change depending on our stork appointment next week, but at this point, I'm on the candy until the 20th.

Funny, as the stork gets less anxious about premature mysterious journey, she makes comments like "Hope to not see you before next Thursday!" or "just go straight to the circus if you start having goosebumps."

So everything is going well :) Little Man could come at anytime, but hopefully not for a week or two at least. Crazy to think he could be here in a week or two!!!

LOVE!
Jules




THE LEGEND:
Stork = doctor
Rainbow = cervix
Unicorned = dilated
candy = medication
mysterious journey = labor
circus = hospital
goosebumps = contractions

Baking on bed rest....

Captain's Log. Day 14 on bed rest. Every time I think I could lose my mind and go completely stir crazy, something fun happens to remind me what I'm resting for! Whether it's getting more gifts for the nursery, or a new family car, or 4-D pictures of our little one... I have had a crazy, exciting completely boring couple of weeks!

A few things I learned from my hospital stay:
1) One size fits all hospital gowns can double as circus tents. Even with the strings on the back that are supposedly designed to help tighten the gown, this piece of cloth will fall off of you at embarrassing and inconvenient moments...

2) The nurse who says "this is gonna hurt" or the nurse who counts down before sticking you with a needle, is the nurse who is nervous, inexperienced, or just plain bad at what she does. Photographic evidence below. This same nurse had to stick me 5 times...
3) The IV is a needle inserted into your vein which connects to a bag or several bags, which hang on a pole, which are attached to infusion equipment which rolls with you everywhere, yes, everywhere. This entire system becomes an appendage from which you cannot stray more than a few feet. While this concept does not seem so confusing, one should not assume that the hospital cleaning staff is aware of this rule. And yes, it will hurt like hell when he/she attempts to remove your appendage to sweep around it...

4) In the middle of the day, you cannot find your nurse. Don't bother, she's gone. In the middle of the night, she gets lonely and wakes you up every two hours.

5) Magnesium sulfate is evil. It will not stop your contractions, but somehow it does speed time and cause menopause to start early. Your hot flashes will never cease and your husband will suffer through you dropping the temperature to 55 degrees while still requiring a fan. (Picture of a contraction below!)
6) You get your own television. It has 20 channels, 15 of those channels are hospital guides. The TV is attached to the ceiling and practically unreachable for the vertically challenged. The remote consists of 1 button that changes the channels in only one direction. You will have memorized all the hospital guides before you give up and decide to watch a marathon of Cash Cab.

Now for a medical update and cute pictures!
We had another doctor's appointment today. I surprisingly have not gained any weight in the past week, and he hasn't really gained much in the past 2 weeks, but little man is still thriving and active as ever!

• They estimate his weight at 4lbs, 9oz. (completely normal) While his cranium is bigger than expected (cough, CHRISTOPHER, cough), it's only about a week further along than it should be.
• There is still some pressure from little man's head on my cervix, but I have not really progressed in the past week. Yay, bed rest is working!
• We got a 4-D ultrasound...and I hear it's perfectly normal for the baby to try to chew on their own umbilical cord...He really wants out of there....

At first he was not happy. Mr. Grumpy Gills does not like to be woken up. He prefers to do the waking. :)

He just has such a tough life, doesn't he? Don't worry, the pictures after this one show a much more content little boy.
Below you see a much happier baby boy! He's content and quiet, but that cord keeps getting in his face.... it was difficult to get a clear picture, especially of his mouth.Then you see him falling back into a pretty sound sleep. Isn't he adorable? I'm biased...I wonder if he'll actually look anything like this later....

Okay, so there is your update! Like I said, it has been a boring and dull, amazingly exciting couple of weeks. I love this little one more than I can say. His room is completely ready, the overnight bags are packed, all we do now is wait :)

I love you all! We will find a way of letting you all know when he decides that it is time.